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Control Issue


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

 

Changing From Direct To Indirect Control

The change from direct to indirect control can also influence the way parents discipline their teenagers. So many opinions exist on the issue of discipline that many parents often don’t know which way to turn. For example, some schools of thought suggest a “tough love” approach while others advise parents to befriend their children. So where does the answer lie?  Let’s take a look at a common scenario that happens to parents whether their teenagers are at risk or not.

You come home from a long day of work or have had a stressful day at home with your younger children. Your teenager comes home and tells you that she failed a test, and you know she didn’t do her homework. She also refuses to help you with laundry and tells you she is going directly to her room to play video games. To make the situation worse, she’s rude and doesn’t want to talk to you. So you start yelling at her, “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you prepare for your tests? Look, no more video games, no more allowance … no more fun until you get your life together!”

Does this sound familiar?  Look back at a time like this when you lost your temper and ask yourself if your yelling made a difference or if it was just a way of discharging your frustration and anger.

In general, the value of discipline can be measured only against the backdrop of the total parent-teenager relationship. If, for example, a parent is focused on a child’s inner needs and the discipline is carefully measured, then it may have a chance to affect the child in a positive way. If, however, discipline is a product of a parent’s frustration or embarrassment, then a teenager will immediately sense that the parent is merely releasing anger.

The relationship is always the key to wielding indirect control on a teenager at risk. Discipline, therefore, can only be used in direct proportion to the strength and quality of the relationship. If a parent has invested in developing the relationship with a teenager, then, when discipline is needed, the child will view it as an extension of the parent’s love and concern. If, however, a parent hasn’t taken the time to invest in the relationship, then discipline is like throwing gasoline onto a burning flame of juvenile anger and disappointment.

Parents who are stuck fighting with their teenagers about their behavior can feel as if they are on a conveyor belt that never stops moving. To change that situation, I suggest shifting parenting into “relationship mode” and creating a supportive environment where teenagers are able “to explore their experiences openly and to reach resolution of their own problems.”

In Part 11 we will take a look at how this worked in the case of a boy whose parents where fighting with him about how he dressed.

 

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force and author of “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach” and “First Aid for Jewish Marriages.” To order a copy, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For more information about Shalom Task Force, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


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Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/control-issue/2010/04/28/

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