web analytics
March 31, 2015 / 11 Nisan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Control Issue


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

 

Changing From Direct To Indirect Control

The change from direct to indirect control can also influence the way parents discipline their teenagers. So many opinions exist on the issue of discipline that many parents often don’t know which way to turn. For example, some schools of thought suggest a “tough love” approach while others advise parents to befriend their children. So where does the answer lie?  Let’s take a look at a common scenario that happens to parents whether their teenagers are at risk or not.

You come home from a long day of work or have had a stressful day at home with your younger children. Your teenager comes home and tells you that she failed a test, and you know she didn’t do her homework. She also refuses to help you with laundry and tells you she is going directly to her room to play video games. To make the situation worse, she’s rude and doesn’t want to talk to you. So you start yelling at her, “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you prepare for your tests? Look, no more video games, no more allowance … no more fun until you get your life together!”

Does this sound familiar?  Look back at a time like this when you lost your temper and ask yourself if your yelling made a difference or if it was just a way of discharging your frustration and anger.

In general, the value of discipline can be measured only against the backdrop of the total parent-teenager relationship. If, for example, a parent is focused on a child’s inner needs and the discipline is carefully measured, then it may have a chance to affect the child in a positive way. If, however, discipline is a product of a parent’s frustration or embarrassment, then a teenager will immediately sense that the parent is merely releasing anger.

The relationship is always the key to wielding indirect control on a teenager at risk. Discipline, therefore, can only be used in direct proportion to the strength and quality of the relationship. If a parent has invested in developing the relationship with a teenager, then, when discipline is needed, the child will view it as an extension of the parent’s love and concern. If, however, a parent hasn’t taken the time to invest in the relationship, then discipline is like throwing gasoline onto a burning flame of juvenile anger and disappointment.

Parents who are stuck fighting with their teenagers about their behavior can feel as if they are on a conveyor belt that never stops moving. To change that situation, I suggest shifting parenting into “relationship mode” and creating a supportive environment where teenagers are able “to explore their experiences openly and to reach resolution of their own problems.”

In Part 11 we will take a look at how this worked in the case of a boy whose parents where fighting with him about how he dressed.

 

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force and author of “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach” and “First Aid for Jewish Marriages.” To order a copy, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For more information about Shalom Task Force, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, LMFT is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, treating anxiety and depression, and helping teens in crisis with offices For more information visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com, e-mail rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com or call 646-428-4723.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Control Issue”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
More than 40 were killed in the bombing of a Yemeni refugee camp buy the Saudi-led strike force.
Attack on Yemeni Refugees Makes Israel Look Like the Girl Scouts
Latest Sections Stories
Food-Talk---Eller-logo

While we are all accustomed to the occasional recipe substitutions – swapping milk for creamer, applesauce for oil – gluten-free cooking is a whole different ballgame.

Something-Cooking-logo

Until the year I decided to put a stop to all my tremors. I realized that if I wanted my family to experience Pesach and its preparations as uplifting and fulfilling, I’d have to relax and loosen up.

Teens-032715

David looked up. “Hatzlacha, Dina,” he smiled. “I hope everything goes well.”

In 1756, when the ominous threat of Islamic terror against Jews reached Tunis as well, Friha became one of its tragic victims.

Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?

The connection between what I experienced as a high school teenager and the adult I am today did not come easy to me.

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

Jack was awarded a blue and gold first-place trophy, appropriately topped off with a golden bee.

Participating in ManiCures during the school day may feel like a break from learning, but the intended message to the students was loud and clear. Learning and chesed come in all forms, and can be fun.

Building campaign chairman Jack Gluck has led the effort over many years.

When using an extension cord always make sure to use the correct rated extension cord.

There was no question that when Mrs. Cohen entered the room to meet the teacher she was hostile from the outset.

Szold was among the founders and leaders (she served on its executive committee) of Ichud (“Unity”), a political group that campaigned against the creation of an independent, sovereign Jewish state in Eretz Yisrael.

My friend is a strong and capable Jewish woman, but she acted with a passivity that seemed out of character.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Teens-at-risk feel alienated from their parents and often believe that no one is interested in hearing about their problems.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/control-issue/2010/04/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: