Dear Dr. Yael:
I read the letter from the couple who stayed married even when another therapist advised divorce (5-1), and could not stop crying. In her letter she mentioned friends who had gotten divorced and how their lives have not turned out as good as hers. She could have been talking about me.
When our marriage was in trouble, my husband and I went to see a frum therapist who was covered by our insurance. That person recommended that we get divorced. At that time someone mentioned your name and my husband said, “Let’s pay for therapy, we want to save our marriage,” but I stubbornly thought it did not matter whom we saw.
My ex-husband is a sweet nice person, and I was young and stupid. We all have faults and this therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” and never on how we could make the marriage work. She was totally on my side, never pointing out my issues. At the time I really liked her. Well guess what? We got divorced.
My ex remarried a year later. He has always been a devoted father to our children and a real mentch to me as well. Our children enjoy spending time with his new family because his wife makes them feel at home and is really nice to me as well.
Many years of counseling helped me realize that I was not an easy person to live with. My parents were divorced and I brought a lot of baggage into our marriage. How I wish I would have agreed to see you. I know of two other couples that came to you and did not get divorced. I even met someone who told me that she and her husband left you because she wanted to get divorced and she saw that you were intent on saving their marriage.
However, she says she is happily divorced – I am not. More than anything else I would like to be married again and believe I would make a good wife.
I am writing you now so that other people don’t fall into our situation. My marriage was fixable and I left a husband who was a special person. People should be careful and research the therapist whom they seek for marriage counseling. I was cheap, not wanting to spend money on therapy, but the divorce lawyers were really expensive. My ex-husband wanted to go for mediation, but I went to war. At the end, the only people who win when you spend money on the divorce are the lawyers!
I am begging people to listen to me and to not make my mistake. I know divorce is on the rise and there are many organizations working to help people who are divorced. I guess they are trying to be sensitive to this generation. However, I beg people not to be the fool that I was. Try to save your marriage if you can! Look at your own faults as well. I wish I did.
Divorced and Miserable
Dear Divorced And Miserable:
I read your letter and I felt your pain. While there are therapists who don’t agree with me, I believe very strongly in promoting marriages and “building on individual and marital strengths.” I work with many young couples contemplating divorce; some leave me to find a “divorce friendly” therapist. However, my couples generally stay married. I try to use Aharon HaKohein as my model. I do not see angry couples together until they can be civil to each other. I have always subscribed to the notion that saying painful things about your spouse in front of him or her can be detrimental.