web analytics
August 30, 2014 / 4 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Breaking The Cycle


Herskowitz-Moishe

The ability to maintain a pleasant and peaceful relationship with in-laws is of the greatest importance for the young couple entering marriage. The more you understand the in-law relationship, the more likely you will achieve happiness in marriage.

Most parents are just as interested in the success of the marriage as are the children. But if the goals are the same, why do we have so much conflict? If we are going to understand the in-law conflict, we must first reflect on the family life pattern. The mother is wrapped up in the children from the time they are born until they leave home. As small children, she looks after their every need. To them she represents security. Although a father is in the home, he is usually more occupied with making the family living and is not so closely as­sociated with the children. It is normal for children to feel a measure of dependence upon the mother. Even under the best family guidance, most people have not been completely weaned psychologically when they marry.

We can’t expect a pattern, which was built up over a period of 20 years, to disappear with a wedding. After the wedding, many mothers continue to give help­ful suggestions to the son, and in turn the son will con­tinue to seek advice from his mother. The same pattern will be found in the wife’s family, except that her perception of his relationship is not the same as hers. Now here is where the problem begins!

Since the wife is striving to establish herself in her new status, she may feel resentful and insecure of his close relationship with his mother, whom she now perceives as the one who holds the dominant place in her marriage. There’s an element of jealousy or at least a competitive attitude that she finds difficult to dis­cuss. After all, how do you explain the concept of two women “fighting” over the same man! The wife would like to set better boundaries with his family of origin, but does not know how.

Comments to a third party, such as “He always goes to his mother” or “He always listens to his mother,” are not well received by the husband. The partner is often put in a position of having to choose sides. An emotional separation is about to take place between mother and son, which takes time and special consid­eration. Failure in clarification will lead to misunder­standing and distortion.

Many mothers experience a crisis in their lives when children marry and leave home. What is commu­nicated to the mother and daughter-in-law is often ver­bally misunderstood or distorted. The mother offers her help in hope for a close relationship with her new daugh­ter-in-law. The daughter-in-law may view this help as either parental interest or as interference. This mis­communication will often cause distance, separation, and a negative in-law communication cycle to begin.

The chief function of Pre-Marital Counseling is prevention. There are four steps in preventing in-law conflict so that a negative in-law communication cycle does not occur;

1. Give your future in-laws the benefit of the doubt

2. Look for positive qualities in your future in-laws

3. Give your in-laws time to adjust

4. Let in-laws know that you appreciate them.

CPC – Center for Pre-Marital Counseling, is endorsed by Rabbi Pikus of COJO of Flatbush, and leading rabbonim and Torah authorities in the NY community.

Moishe Herskowitz MS., CSW, is a marriage counselor and maintains his private practice in Brooklyn as founder of CPC. He is an educator, lecturer, consultant and adjunct pro­fessor at Touro College. He is the counseling coordinator for Career Services at Touro College and the At Risk Center in Brooklyn. Moishe is presently working as a licensed guidance counselor for the NYC Board of Ed. in Special Education. For more information or to obtain a free brochure, please contact Moishe Herskowitz at 435-7388 or at CPCMOISHE@aol.com.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Breaking The Cycle”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Anti-Semitic Briitsh MP George Galloway poses with a lump on his head after being assaulted.
British Man Beats Up Anti-Semite George ‘Hitler’ Galloway
Latest Sections Stories
LBJ-082914

What better proof do we need than the recent war with Hamas in Gaza, dubbed “Operation Protective Edge,” that transformed the pain and suffering of three families into a sense of unparalleled unity and outpouring of love of the entire nation of Israel?

Katzman-082914

So many families are mourning, and all along we mourned with them.

Astaire-082914

In addition to his great erudition, Rabi Akiva was known for his optimism.

Kupfer-082914-Chuppah

She told me that she was busy and that he could sit in his wet clothes for the rest of the day. It would teach him to be more careful.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Israel’s neighbors engaged in hostilities from the onset. The War of Independence was a hard-won battle. Aggression and enmity has followed for 66 years.

The contest will include student-created sculpture, computer graphic design, collage, videography, PowerPoint and painting.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

Stroll through formal gardens, ride mountain bikes, or go rock climbing.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/breaking-the-cycle/2008/02/13/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: