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May 22, 2013 /13 Sivan, 5773
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The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



How To Feel Love

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Meir’s love language is Words of Affirmation which he feels he does not get from Shani. Shani’s love language is Quality time which she feels she does not get from Meir.

We analyzed what they needed and then set up a schedule. Meir does not really need to spend time with Shani – he loves to work, learn Gemara, and eat great meals. Their personal life is fine, but Shani wants to talk more and actually do things with Meir. Meir wants to come home and hear that he is a hard worker and is appreciated for it. Meir and Shani both need to leave their own comfort zones and try to give to the other, what the other actually desires.

Although Meir may not need to spend as much time with Shani, he will have to carve out time in his busy schedule to “date” Shani and give her his undivided attention. Although Shani feels that she appreciates Meir and does not need to say it, she will have to make sure that she is complimenting her husband and pointing out how much his actions mean to her.

Dr. Chapman outlines five love languages:

Words of Affirmation – words that make you feel appreciated and special.
Quality Time – doing things together.
Gifts – any type of gifts, does not have to be expensive and can be home made, its just about being thoughtful.
Acts of Service – making supper, cleaning, serving etc.
Physical Touch – having a physical relationship.

Most people need to receive all of these things, but everyone has a Love Language, a way that they make others feel loved and a way that they feel loved. If you are able to have a conversation with your husband and learn each other’s love language, then perhaps, he will feel more loved by you and vise versa. Just by asking this question shows that you care deeply about him and your relationship. Try to open those lines of communication, so that your husband will know that you are attempting to change. Hatzlocha!

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The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

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Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am trying, over the Internet, to find programs for my son that are geared toward helping people strengthen their emunah and bitachon. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Do you know of any sites I can visit?

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To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – on that continues until today.

Just like Aharon HaKohen promoted shalom bayis by sharing with couples all of the good things that his or her spouse said, a therapist can encourage shalom bayis in this same way.

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