In an effort to bring down wedding costs, the Bobov-45 Rebbe told his chassidim on Monday that henceforth, they should no longer hold Tena’im [engagement ceremony] events and the bride and groom should no longer buy each other gifts as has been the tradition up to this point.
Following a split within Bobov, Rabbi Mordechai Dovid Unger took the title Bobov-45.
Instead, the Bobov-45 Rebbetzin [the wife of the Bobov-45 Rebbe] will henceforth buy every bride a watch in accordance with the Rebbe’s new directives. The Rebbe also encouraged grooms to buy less expensive shtreimels, the wide fur hats worn by chassidim.
As an incentive to adhere to the new guidelines, the Rebbe announced that participating young couples will be eligible for an extra $5,000 in community Bridal Funds (Hachnasas Kallah, in Hebrew) on top of the standard $20,000 – which, going forward, is also dependent upon following the Rebbe’s guidelines.
The Rebbe announced the new directives at a gathering of all his followers, both men and women. Locals were summoned to the main hall at the Beis Ya’akov school on 45th Street in Boro Park, and chassidim in London, Williamsburg, and Monsey gathered to watch the event via live hookup.
On the day leading up to the gathering, community members spoke separately to students in Bobov-45 boys’ and girls’ high schools to explain how difficult it is for parents to marry off children, and why the Rebbe was canceling their future engagement events — called Tena’im in Yiddish — and urging their future in-laws not to buy them gold and diamond watches.
Also announced at the event on Monday in the Rebbe’s presence were new promotional packages from local wedding vendors, including singers, musicians, florists, and hall managers. Chassidim were urged not to send wedding invitations to people within the community and instead were told that weddings will be announced on a new monthly calendar to be mailed to chassidim each month.
R’ Yisroel Bernstein, a major player behind the new guidelines, described to The Jewish Press the chain of events leading up to them: “It started as a grassroots effort,” he said. “Already before Rosh Hashanah we pitched some ideas to the Rebbe. The Rebbe felt we weren’t quite there yet and told us to go back to the drawing board and come back with something more solid. We presented the Rebbe a more thought-out plan six weeks ago.
“Not everyone involved had married off kids, though, and the Rebbe instructed us to pass it by older people in the community. It was important to him that the initiative be grounded in real world experience, not just theory.
“We arranged focus groups of 10-12 community members, mostly aged 38-45. The plan evolved as we went along, until we had something the Rebbe was happy with. “We consulted with the Rebbe at major milestones along the way. We involved one of the Rebbe’s sons who updated him more frequently. The Ruv, shlit”a [the Rebbe’s brother-in-law], was also involved.
“Last Shabbos, people started getting wind of the idea. People came to us in shul and expressed concern that the kallah [bride] should get something, and it isn’t right to just take away a piece of jewelry. That’s how the idea was born that the Rebbe should do something special for kallahs [brides] who choose to follow the takkanos [guidelines].
“The Vizhnitz Monsey Rebbe, zt”l, asked his chassidim not to hire a wedding photographer,” he pointed out. “Chassidim who chose to keep the takanah [guidelines] merited that the Rebbe himself participated in their wedding. However, in Bobov, the Rebbe already attends most community weddings. So it was decided that on the evening of their engagement, when the new couple come to the Rebbe’s house for a blessing, the Rebbetzin will personally gift kallahs participating in the new program a watch.
“We were dealing throughout with people’s feelings. It was important that no one felt targeted or dictated to on the one hand, and on the other hand not to insult people who really can’t afford to make chassunah [wedding]. The truth is, it used to be a minority who couldn’t afford it. Nowadays it’s the norm. Only a few people can pull it off themselves.”
The calendar, he said, was simply a matter of logistics. “A lot has to do with the dynamics of inviting. There’s always bad feeling when someone doesn’t get invited, and often people feel pressured to attend a wedding because they received an invitation. The community calendar clears the air.” There was, however, “some opposition from the older generation who feel there’s a certain formality to invitations,” he said.
Another Bobov-45 chassid told The Jewish Press there is a lot of relief in the community in the wake of the announcement. “Everyone likes the takanos [guidelines]. There’s a lot of debt in the community. That the chassan [groom] buys the kallah [bride] a diamond watch is something that only started in America. Of course, in every community of 1,000 people, there will be 10 who don’t listen, but mostly people are on board.”