Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim
Latest update: March 20th, 2012
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The gathering was held in a beautifully appointed hall, decorated with cozy little tables draped in elegant tablecloths, with a sumptuous smorgasbord in the center of the room laden with fruit platters, petits-fours and drinks. It was clear that the organizers had paid fastidious attention to the smallest detail, and had labored hard to make the physical environment as elegant and dignified as the general atmosphere that prevailed in the room.
I was jolted by two different things when I opened the door to the hall. First, the sheer numbers of single girls in attendance made my jaw drop. I had hardly expected this kind of attendance, never suspecting that so many young women would have the courage to show up. It could not have been a comfortable situation for any of them – even the most “chilled” and outgoing amongst them must have felt a tad awkward. (Personally, I felt so ill at ease and nervous, all I wanted to do was pick up my pocketbook and flee). I gave them tremendous credit for doing something so proactive and gutsy. I stood uneasily with some of the other mothers, waiting for the facilitators to arrive, making small talk. Most of the mothers with whom I conversed loved the idea, but I was deeply anxious about navigating the brief encounters: How to gently ferret out vital information from these sweet young ladies without making them feel interrogated, evaluated and ultimately…judged? (Which in fact was the case.) How to end the meeting in a tactful and kind way when it became clear that they weren’t for my son? Should I feign enthusiasm and interest after the crucial few seconds in which I had already made this determination to spare their feelings, or should I move on more quickly, to maximize the time I had left? My stomach churned. How do I dance this waltz without stepping on anyone’s shoes? I should have been thinking about my son, but all I could do was worry about the girls.
The second thing that jolted me when I opened the door (and which I know will incur many a mother’s wrath, but which I feel I must speak about) was the conspicuous and glaring lack of make-up on a significant percentage of the girls’ faces. I was stunned. The girls knew why they were there; there was no attempt at pretense on anyone’s part. The mandate of the event was to give them the opportunity to present themselves in the best possible light. Why weren’t they?
Let me tell you about this particular population of girls: They were between the ages of 21 and 24, and mostly seeking “learning boys.” (The organizers’ plan for the future is to hold additional events for other age groups and different categories of boys: learners/earners, professionals, working boys only, etc.) They were eidel, frum, sincere, intelligent, and committed to the learning ideal. But even the most temimasdika ben Torah is looking for a wife whom he finds attractive. Yes, spiritual beauty makes a woman’s eyes glow and casts a luminous sheen over her face; there is no beauty like a pure soul. Make-up, however, goes a long way in both correcting facial flaws and accentuating one’s assets, and if my cursory inspection was indeed accurate (and I apologize if the girls used such natural make-up that I simply couldn’t tell), barely any of these girls seemed to have made a huge effort to deck themselves out.
Since most of the young women at chasunas seem quite presentable, I couldn’t shake off my sense of disbelief as I looked around now. What were they thinking? How had their mothers allowed them to leave their homes with limp hair and unadorned faces? With just a little blush, eyeliner and lip-gloss, they could have gone from average to pretty. There are very few women who can’t use a little extra help. Even the most celebrated magazine models can look downright plain when stripped of all cosmetics, al achas kamah v’kamah girls who are not born with perfect features. So what was going on? Were they in denial about the qualities young men are seeking in future wives? Yes, it is somewhat disillusioning that men dedicated to full-time Torah learning possess what these girls might perceive are superficial values, but brass tacks: they want a spouse to whom they are attracted. The young men themselves might be too shy or ashamed to admit it, but their mothers won’t hesitate to ask what for some is the deal maker/deal breaker question, namely: “Is she pretty?”
Thankfully, every one’s conception of attractiveness is different; beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and a woman’s intellect, personality and soul can have a tremendous bearing on the way in which her beauty is perceived. Still, there is trying, and then there is not trying. The mystery perplexed me: Why hadn’t some of the girls gone overboard in presenting themselves in the best possible light? I felt like shaking them in despair. As I further scanned the room (I had started assuming the role of disembodied observer once I realized that I was at the wrong event; my son is learning full time now, but plans to pursue a Ph.D so he wasn’t appropriate for this particular group), I could not help but notice the number of girls who could have vastly improved their appearances–gone from plain Jane to truly beautiful–if they simply made some effort. The truth of the matter is, I mulled, one way of looking at the story of Purim (and there are so many different prisms through which it can be viewed) is to see it as the narrative of the tyranny of beauty ruling every society in which Man (and woman) has ever lived. Vashti incurred Ahachshverosh’s wrath because he wished to parade her beauty and she refused (bad skin day). The women of the kingdom who vied for the Queen’s throne were given twelve months to prepare for the beauty pageant – why hadn’t some of the girls at the shidduch event taken a mere half hour?
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851 Responses to “Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim”
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Oy Oy Oy. Talk about focusing on the wrong thing. Holy moly. Yes, they should brush their hair, but nebach on Am Yisrael if this is the criteria. And please reread the Megilla. If all you got out of Megillat Esther is the beauty regiment, again, nebach.
"I implore you….to get a nose job"
It's funny to think that we spent so much time in school talking about midot instead of eye color, nose size, body shape, and hair texture. I guess we were doing it wrong.
I actually thought that this article was a Purim joke at first, but I think maybe it's a response to the recession – an appeal to get more work for the plastic surgeons and psycho-therapists who serve the frum community.
ick.
Really sickening to read!!! And I know people who have collections of these "resumes" It makes my stomach turn.
Pnina Shields Eilberg Such resumes are no different from profiles on SawYouAtSinai, Frumster.com, Jdate, etc. From the guys perspective: when all the profiles sound alike, a guy will pick based on superficial criteria like the picture. If they all go to same or similar cheder, summer camps, universities, and they all do chesed and come from them same communities, and all want guys who learn, then the the only remaining distinctions are physical and superficial. Perhaps the real problem is not the guys, or the gals, but the frum mindset and peer pressure to conform in lockstep to social/communal conventions and that condemns women over 24 to the status of old-maid. If you want to marry a stereotype, then date stereotypes. Ignore the converts, the BTs, the kids who remained shomer mitzvot while enrolled in a unique educational program at a a Big 10 or small liberal arts school instead of YU/Stern. Ignore the guy who can make only a little time to learn while he's pursuing a professional career to afford the yeshiva tuition for your many future children. There are ways to happy marriage other than pursuing merely the things that make your parents and Rav happy.
this has to be a purim shpiel, right?
While I understand the negative backlash from everyone regarding this article, I can’t say strongly enough that I couldn’t agree more! I have been to many many singles events where the girls are obviously there to meet their potential match, and they show up looking like they just left the gym, or still in costume from a play rehearsal for lLittle House on the Prairie.I am a girl and therefore I am able to look past the exterior and appreciate these girls for their wonderful personalities, kind Midot and great sense of humor. But we expect a guy to look past the long frizzy hair, glasses from the 80s, and bare faces? So many times I just want to shake a girl and tell her “put on some makeup, blow dry your hair, shop in store that sells up to date clothing and tweeze your eyebrows for goodness sake!!! I dont think that’s too much to ask. And I think everyone is lying to themselves if they say that the “good guys don’t care”. I dated a full time learning yeshiva guy who dumped me because I had brown hair instead of blond! Can you imagine what he says to the girls who don’t put on a dash of makeup?!!?? Something needs to be done. There is a reason girls put on makeup on Shabbos and make themselves look the best they can, and the girls who don’t have anyone at home to teach them why need others to do so. No is telling them to make themselves into a model, to completely change their look, to focus solely on the externals, and to judge your self worth but your appearances. What we are saying is that looks matter, and guys, no matter how frum, appreciate a girl who take the time to look her best.
“And I think everyone is lying to themselves if they say that the “good guys don’t care”. I dated a full time learning yeshiva guy who dumped me because I had brown hair instead of blond!”
I would disagree in saying that this was a “good guy”. A good guy wouldnt dump you for your hair color (the irony being that you’ll probably cover your hair anyway). That is the problem with the system today. That a man like that can be called a “good guy”
Wait, wait, wait. I’m 23, female, single- and surprisingly, I don’t feel like my time has run out. There are a few factors I believe have contributed to this: firstly, I wasn’t raised to believe I came with a sell-by date, and I was also taught that who I was as a person was far more important than what I looked like (even if, gasp, I look older every day!) So I chose not to date until I had a more firm idea of who I was and what I wanted, at the ripe age of 21 (and yes, we were looked at askance for daring to wait- what would happen to my prospects?!) I don’t wear makeup, or do my hair on a daily basis, even though I work with teens that have a field day trying to guess how old I am, because I except them to respect me based on who I am and what I do, not what I look like. And although I dress nicely and do myself up for dates, I never thought that was too high of an expectation to have of my husband-to-be. Too, I am not looking for a learning boy (to which you seem to attribute their lack of interest in makeup and their hair). What, because I don’t expect my husband to earn full time, I *should* expect him to be shallow?
So, yes, I am bristling after reading your article, even though I am not one of the mothers you were addressing (I find it interesting that you did not similarly apologize to the daughters). I bristle on my behalf, on my friends behalf, on my future sons and daughters behalf. (I also bristle- quite literally- because it is humid outside, and before you ask, no, I opted not to spend my money and valuable hours of my time to fix something so ephemeral, especially as no matter how one smooths my hair, in this weather…well, it would last two hours at most.)
To finish: I look presentable every day, more presentable when I need to be, and I do put more effort in when I have a date- just as know the guy has put effort in too, in getting a haircut, cleaning his car, whatever. But I don’t define myself by how I look, even more so because I don’t plan on looking like this for the rest of my life.
When you said it was too shallow and ignorant to judge a girl by her resume, I agreed. So why do you think it’s ok to judge me by my cover?
Dear author, I can see why you wrote this. You don't want women looking yuck and feel it will help them land a man. Got it. You have a point and boys and girls should generally put their best foot forward when dating. But there's a limit. Endorsing surgery? People can die during surgery. Even routine, elective surgery. Also, have you ever thought that your particular taste in women is not the same as your son's or other men out there? I know many guys who prefer the "little makeup" and "natural" look. I think one of the problems in the "crisis" is that the girls can't get past the mothers' idea of what's attractive – when in reality, a boy may have found that girl to be pretty. PS. the story about the Satmar Rebbi actually horrified me. The fact that he would allow this woman to risk her life to provide the Rebbi with kosher just seems really horrible. What if she was killed for him? Also, in the story of Purim – Esther applied the minimum of cosmetics that was given to her and requested nothing extra as compared to the other ladies. So the comparison doesn't really work in this scenario.
To the author:
May I suggest a simplification to your solution?
Let the overwrought prospective mothers-in-law stay home and let the kinderlach mingle amongst themselves (Perhaps you will find this scenario more acceptable if you think of it as a play date?).
Thus the male children will be able to experiment with their under-developed (or non-existent) social skills in a safe and supervised environment. (I’m sure one could find a few kindergarten teachers available to supervise. As they will be dealing with adult children, tasers can be issued to prevent any improper activity).
At the end of the evening, the male and female children can indicate their preferences to each other and (gasp!) exchange phone numbers. Once some common interest has been established, the prospective candidates can submit their resumes for parental review.
As an added bonus, you should send invitation to all of the local plastic surgeons and make-up artists. Let them set up booths offering their services, but charge them for the privilege. That should help fund the gathering.
Just a thought.
To the author: You are part of the problem.
I know you'd like to think you're a part of the solution, and I give you credit for trying to help within the framework of your understanding. But once a person is neat and clean and dressed properly, it should be enough to go forward. People should get dressed up for Shabbos. People should even get dressed festively for a simcha. It's not necessary or even desirable for someone to get fully decked out for a date. I assume most people make themselves presentable when going out in public. I even understand if people take a little extra care in preparing for a date. But don't go overboard!
In married life, do you expect the women to spend lots of time preparing themselves before their husband gets a glimpse of them for the first time every day? No? Then when does he get his rude awakening? During the first week of marriage? After the first year? The first baby?
I think a better approach would be to educate the young men to not expect girls who they date and marry to look like models. This is artificial. No one looks like that in real life, and trying to look like that can be dangerous both physically (ever hear of anorexia?) and emotionally. For all that we protect our young men from seeing unclean magazines, movies, and television shows, often their concepts of what is beauty are shaped by what they see in the outside world as well as what we teach them to expect. This is unfortunate and damaging. The answer should be more along the lines of us teaching our young men and women to appreciate people for who they are rather than what they look like.
I don't mean to look down on girls who choose to follow that path, as long as it's a personal choice and will make her feel better about herself. But to presume that girls who do not are somehow lacking is wrong and is not a fault of either the girl or their parents, and their choice should be respected.
First "cosmetic and surgical procedures available" SURGERY?! you're out of your mind. I think eyebrow plucking is extreme. Plastic surgery has no place in the shidduch scene. Second, many frum girls are taught that it's immodest to wear make-up – it's not allowed in schools – they're going to show their middos to their future mother-in-law, not to a job interview at Hooters.
I would expect a mother to be concerned that the woman her husband marries takes care of the house, the kids, has a good head on her shoulders, etc. She shouldn't be a Barbie doll.
I think it's OK to look down on girls who follow this path.
That article cried out for a sarcastic response…
That article cried out for a sarcastic response. I was happy to respond:
To the author:
May I suggest a simplification to your solution?
Let the overwrought prospective mothers-in-law stay home and let the kinderlach mingle amongst themselves (Perhaps you will find this scenario more acceptable if you think of it as a play date?).
Thus the male children will be able to experiment with their under-developed (or non-existent) social skills in a safe and supervised environment. (I'm sure one could find a few kindergarten teachers available to supervise. As they will be dealing with adult children, tasers can be issued to prevent any improper activity).
At the end of the evening, the male and female children can indicate their preferences to each other and (gasp!) exchange phone numbers.
Once some common interest has been established, the prospective candidates can submit their resumes for parental review.
As an added bonus, you should send invitation to all of the local plastic surgeons and make-up artists. Let them set up booths offering their services, but charge them for the privilege. That should help fund the gathering.
Just a thought.
Agreed!
Very superifical society
Leah G. Goodman If I can "like" your post 1000x I would. Perfect!
I just want to say that this is awesome.
I married the cream of the crop when I was nineteen – and he met me at camp – no make-up, no nose job – I couldn’t be happier!
While everyone should consult her own rav before embarking on surgery, there are poskim that allow plastic surgery if the cosmetic "defect" is significant enough to prevent a shidduch from taking place. Poskim who oppose plastic surgery do so on the grounds hold that the person should find a someone who accepts her as she is. The halachic decision is often dependent on the psychological stress that the person undergoes as a result of the appearance issue such as a large nose. All surgery carries the risk of infection, hemorrhage, and problems related to anesthesia. The benefit must outweigh the risk.
As far as the rest of the suggestions, no one was ever harmed by wearing a bit of make-up and some jewelry. It is definitely not an new suggestion that women who are looking for shidduchim need to put effort into their appearances. Physical beauty has always been a desired quality but in different times and places, beauty was defined differently. Also, women have long been suffering in order to look beautiful. High heels are not new but at least today's foundation garments are not as uncomfortable as the corsets of hundreds of years ago were. Rabbonim have been cautioning men for centuries, not to choose wives based on beauty but to weigh in piety as well.
Every woman has a choice in how she wants to look but if she chooses to look unattractive, why are we blaming men for not being interested?
Lynn – I agree if the woman has a cleft palate or a mole or a birthmark. If she just has a wide or long nose… sorry. I don't think we should encourage everyone to get the miami nose.
To Leah,
All plastic surgery carries a risk of unsatisfactory results, on top of the risk of illness or death. Plastic surgery usually does not have a high mortality rate but anything can happen. No one should even contemplate plastic surgery to please others if they themselves are happy with the way that Hashem created them. If, however, a person does feel very self-conscious or depressed about the shape of their nose to the point where their quality of life is reduced, they should see a plastic surgeon, get the facts, and then present them to their rav. A person should not take unnecessary risks to their health without asking a rav.
Sorry – I have a birthmark on my face, and I’m beautiful. You don’t to dictate whether other people need surgery. My husband, ex-boyfriends, and friends would all tell you as well – a birthmark doesn’t make someone ugly. No matter what you look like, you have to decide to be happy with your looks, because God does not make Barbie dolls. God makes real people, and every face has different qualities that can be seen as beautiful or unattractive. It says more about the beholder than the face if you find a birthmark ugly.
‘Also, women have long been suffering in order to look beautiful.’
Yes, because the fact that we’ve always done something a particular way means it is the only way to do it. That is why we still use animals to plow our fields, snake oil to treat our illnesses, and horse drawn carriages to get from one place to another. Also women are considered property and are not allowed to vote. Oh and we never, ever use computers.
Has it occurred to you that perhaps the practice of causing ourselves pain and discomfort in order to conform to unnatural standards of beauty is one that should be phased out? Don’t get me wrong- I’m not crying for the death of high heels. Wearing them is your prerogative. But your prerogative is not my requirement.
Also, your line “if she chooses to look unattractive, why are we blaming men for not being interested?” is disturbingly reminiscent of the line “Well if she chose to look so beautiful, why do we blame the man for raping her?”. And yes, people actually say that. True, one is far worse than another. But it is easily argued that women in general are victims of unrealistic standards set to us by society, and victim blaming of any kind is a slippery slope.
To Leah,
We have a reality in this world and that is that most people prefer beauty and prefer a type of beauty defined by the society they live in. We are not looking for the beauty that was from the shtetle of 200 years ago. To say that men, of any religion, would prefer to marry beautiful women over unattractive women, is not blaming the victim. It is the same type of statement as saying that birds eat worms. To be honest, I don’t suffer in high heels either but I am not expecting women to give them up any time soon. Look around in the stores and see that the painful shoes just became higher and more and more women are buying them! I see plenty of Jewish feet wearing them. Being that as the reality, do we really blame men for not preferring a woman in lace up orthopedic oxfords? Does the fact that most of us prefer chocolate to asparagus make us immoral people? It is a well known fact and has been as such since time began that women sometimes suffer for beauty. Men are prohibited from doing that because halachically, that is the nature of women to beautify themselves sometimes to the point of pain or discomfort. That you and I are happy in our oxford lace-ups does not change the nature of womanhood and of people in general. I realize that many idealistic people read these blogs and are horrified that frum people subscribe to the same human inclinations that non-Jews do. We are allowed to be human, to care for aesthetic beauty, and to marry someone that we are attracted to. Why are men who study Torah, expected to embrace unattractiveness?
I’m sorry to say, you seem to have entirely missed the point of my reply. I do not have an issue with beauty as a concept, I have an issue with how we define it. You say that this is the reality we live in? We are victims of this reality. Instead of trying to conform to it, we should be trying to change it.
Who defines these standards of beauty that require so many awful alterations to our genuine appearance? Who perpetuates it? Why do “all of the young men” (I strongly disagree with this assessment that all men are so shallow) expect women to look like Barbie dolls? The simple answer is that it is the mothers.
So what I am suggesting here is that instead of expecting women to do unnecessary or potentially harmful things in order to “beautify” themselves into something that is entirely unnatural, why don’t we address this problem at the root? Have mothers educate their sons differently. Have them ingrain in their sons from a young age that the most attractive woman is one who values herself, and is confident, and does not feel she must resort to extreme measures or make herself look superhuman or unhuman in order to be deemed beautiful.
“do we really blame men for not preferring a woman in lace up orthopedic oxfords?”
Yes! Yes! A million times yes! I absolutely blame a man for thinking I am not beautiful enough if I want to be comfortable! If there is a man that genuinely thinks I am unacceptable to him because I do not do something painful for his sake, then I want nothing to do with him! He is perpetuating a societal mindset in which I MUST do something negative in order to be accepted.
“Does the fact that most of us prefer chocolate to asparagus make us immoral people?”
The difference here is that eating chocolate is something we do for ourselves, to ourselves. I enjoy chocolate, therefore I eat chocolate. And yet you know? The comparison still works. If I were educated from a young age to enjoy the taste of asparagus over chocolate, I’d be significantly healthier and yet equally happy- all this (as I perceive it) delicious food would be healthy for me too! I’m sure you can see how this would apply to perceptions of beauty.
“We are allowed to be human, to care for aesthetic beauty, and to marry someone that we are attracted to. Why are men who study Torah, expected to embrace unattractiveness?”
I have no issue with that. I enjoy beauty- both in admiring beautiful humans and other beautiful works of nature. Must we take a live-photoshop with us to enjoy a beautiful sunset? Must we paint delicate flowers more vivid colors so as to derive more enjoyment from them? God made us perfect, and if we don’t see ourselves as perfect, the problem is how we’re looking, not how we are.
We don’t need to stop seeking beauty. We need to redefine what we consider beauty.
What I see missing here is a sense of reality. If Jews live in neighborhoods where all women wear tznius clothing and few women wear make-up, than that is the reality for that neighborhood. This is the reality for neighborhoods such as Kiryat Yoel and New Square. Those Jews who live in mixed neighborhoods, however, have more of an awareness of what the outside world views as beautiful. In my neighborhood, for example, most stores are large chain stores so I see the styles and colors worn by non-Jewish women.
Those who fault frum men for being attracted to secular ideas of beauty should revisit this topic after their children are married. They may see that their sons, and daughters are less angelic than they imagine them to be.
Keep up your idealism though. I hope your kids appreciate the asparagus.
Dear Yitta, I am not a 20 something girl looking for a shidduch. I am a widow in my 50's. I KNOW that I look at least ten years younger (when I am wearing my sheitel and make up and dressed nicely). But I am frequently passed over by men in their 50's who prefer to date women who are at least 10 or more years younger than themselves. The men who are interested in me are at least 10 or more years OLDER than me and I find them TOO OLD for me — they frequently look and feel like my FATHER! Interestingly enough, a man close to my age told me that I should spend money and time on my appearance — neither of which I have. Perhaps, if I had surgery, a nose job, a lap band, dental implants, botox, liposuction, and could invest in a month at a spa, perhaps I would find a husband! May I send you all the bills? My regular bills will need to be paid too — after all, I will be too busy beautifying myself to work. Please email me your address so I can send you my bills.
Rachel Stern
Rachel, I couldn't make it past the first page (via the web site). This is all just too too weird
The streets run both ways, in parallel, though not on the same roadway. There are plenty of women who choose which men to date not based on character and other intangibles, but on criteria such as income, height, etc. If a person doesn't meet the criteria of a potential match, then the potential match doesn't meet the criteria of the person in question. Both should move on and not take it personally.
http://xkcd.com/314/
Rachel (and Valerie), I made it to the end of page 3, but I just couldn't take it any longer. It was making me sick.
This article made me sick.
This article made me sick. Your reply, however, was great.
It is demeaning to reduce a girl to a few sentences.”
Kol HaKavod for saying this – It is a shame belittling and seems contraindicated to everything Torah Judaism is all about
Maybe something is wrong with the whole shidduch system. A very well known, VERY frum rav met his wife in the 1950's when he (from a very religious family) was a lifeguard and she (from a very religious family) was swimming at the pool. I can't imagine people going to that "extreme" these days, BUT MAYBE YOU FOLKS SHOULD LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE! Take the corks out of your bottoms and let young men and women meet in a natural setting such as weddings, shabbos tables and the like instead of keeping the Berlin Wall up between them. Sheesh!
The main problem is that the mothers are reading the resumes. The boys should read the resumes and mothers should butt out. There is no shidduch crisis. Just picky parents with ridiculous standards.
I also think part of the problem is that resumes are part of this at all. These women aren't applying for jobs, they are looking for life partners, husbands, fathers of their future children. Do you think you can see a person's middot, sense of humor, or deepest thoughts on a resume? On the flip side, do you think if the guy is chas v'shalom, inclined to be abusive that such a thing could be figured out by reading a resume?
Aliza Novogroder Fischman Of course not. But a resume is helpful when you have a minimal criteria that needs to be met. Frankly, some people do not want to "go out and socialize". So they have to rely on shadchanim. Do you trust a shadchan to know a person well enough? Of course not, so you put yourself into a resume. That resume is great for talking about minimal criteria such as hashkafa and life goals. I agree the system flawed, but nothing is going to be perfect.
Many years ago, someone I know married a very beautiful woman – always did her makeup, always looked great. Shortly after their wedding, she was in an accident, and her face was wounded. I'm glad her husband married her for the woman she was, not for her looks. I'm sure that during the time that she was swollen and bruised and cut up, he was glad that he hadn't only married an attractive woman, but a kind, loving, intelligent woman too.
B"H – she healed completely, but it took a very long time. Thank G-d, he could look past her cuts and bruises and see a wonderful woman.
Unless we've started promoting some new-fangled lifestyle where the mother AND her son marry a girl, I CAN NOT understand why the mother would have anything to do with picking out the girl. If these 'boys' are not mature enough to pick out who they're going to date themselves, then perhaps they should not be dating.
Additionally, WHY does it have to be the GIRL who changes everything? Are you going to start promoting that boys get hairplugs if they're balding? Start dieting if they're pudgy? Tanning if they're pasty? Classes on ironing and laundry so they don't dress like a schlump? A relationship is a TWO-WAY street. If guys cant put the effort in for the girls, WHY do the girls need to put in all the effort for the guys?
I just read this in the JP….I agree with u 100 percent, why is it the girls have to change everything and the boys get what ever pick they want. I understand wear makeup on a date and all put please get bypass, get a mole removed plz we are just spoiling our men even more then ever, can't they learn to accept the girls flaws and the girls must learn to accept the men's flaws.
Why are you even reading this stuff?
Better question Rachel, why did I also feel the need to read it??? If it made Becca angry..it certainly wasn't going to go well for me…
Oy vey! There wouldn't be a "shidduch crisis" without the mentality of the author. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Clearly I'm not Jewish but Rebecca after reading the article , I have to agree with you whole heartedly
Wow, just lost so much respect for the author as a person. on my first date with Yehuda I had hair that needed washed, and wore a frayed sweatshirt. He was wearing a grungy t-shirt. I think we ended up ok- married about 4 months later.
WOW. I stopped right here: Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life." Really? Plastic surgery? It was going badly enough until this point but wow. I am so, so happy that this is the message this author chose to send and I hope and pray no daughter of mine will ever have a woman like this as a mother in law! I know the author has no respect for herself but just try for your sex and your people- a nose job, really? Also way to miss the message of Purim – I'm pretty sure one big beauty pageant wasn't supposed to inspire you but show you how shallow and degrading to women Achashverosh was.It is people like this author that continue to sexualize girls from the youngest of ages – how is this any different from the "immodesty" of the west the community is constantly condemning? And the author's obsession with looks is no different from White Supremacist viewpoint that has made blacks chemically straighten their hair and bleaching their skin in the '50s. Maybe we should teach our daughters that there is more to life than this twisted sexism of the Orthodox community, i.e. marrying by 19, have a kid a year, support your husband so he can 'learn' (AKA talk abt. bra sizes and smoke) but while you're raising kids and managing a house singlehandedly you also have to work to support the family but you can't go to college b/c then you may think for yourself so you have to support a large family on a low paying job that you'll probably enjoy anyway b/c by this time you're too exhausted or brainwashed to care. Wow. SHALL WE INSTEAD BEGIN TO SHOW OUR DAUGHTERS THAT THEIR WORTH IS NOT DEPENDENT ON THIER LOOKS – which by the by- is according to a white and western world standard so good job there with your "purism". Dear author, The damage you've inflicted on your son is bad enough, I pray you don't have daughters to damage. So author, this is my plea to you- stop sexualizing and harming young women, have a little self esteem that is not dependent on beauty b/c Gd knows your outward beauty is all you've got and that is all due to your plastic surgeon. Maybe exercise your mind and enter the 21st century, it's great! Women can vote now and everything! Or is this particular American value is beneath you?
Purim torah? Or just my wishful thinking…
Reminds me of Toddlers and Tiaras lol. I hope it's a joke, but if it's not I suggest you edit the above post, remove some of your side rants, and send it to the editor. Pretty crazy.
Firstly, I would like to know how the Author gleans this lesson from the story of Purim. Since I was a child I learned that Esther became the salvation of the Jewish without wearing an iota of makeup or getting dressed up. So, I am just wondering how she twisted the beautiful miracle to fit her twisted agenda. Secondly, I find it absolutely demeaning the way she objectifies woman. Is a woman only a nose, a set of teeth a smaller waist size to you? I hope this is not the lessons she is passing along to her "most eligible" son before marriage. What's more shocking, she is a woman! Yes, there is something called attraction but more often than not it is something that can't be explained, something beyond physical looks. Lastly, while she thinks she is reforming the system, she is in fact perpetuating it on a whole new level (suggesting surgery… really?) I hope that she and her son find what they are looking for.
no words
I felt the same way as you regarding the purim lesson. I've always learned about how natural Esther was when approaching Achashveirosh & how she did as LITTLE as possible to attract the king's attention but nonetheless she, modest Esther was chosen out of all the other girls in the harem who were busy beautifying themselves for the king!
I also feel that this whole article is SO detrimental for the shidduch crisis & will in NO WAY serve to ameliorate the situation, if anything, her suggestions will ONLY exacerbate it!!
& I for one, would stay far away from the author & her 'very eligible' son b/c I would not want my eligible daughter to be a part of a family with such a superficial MIL who is mostly concerned with my daughter's physical appearance!! What a RIDICULOUS & detrimental article this was. All it will do will be to help encourage more eating disorders in the frum community as though we don't have enough!!!!
Batya White-Novogroder Eating disorders and suggesting unnecessary surgeries. Lap band, rhinoplasty, dental implants aside from the exorbitant amount of money, these procedures come with real risks! I can't begin to fathom what she was thinking, if at all, as she was writing this article.
AGREED!!!!
When you write a sequel to this article, begging boys to exercise, get some sun, visit a hair salon (not a barber!), buy properly-fitting clothes, and get nose jobs or hair plugs as needed, I might consider encouraging girls to dress up more.
I've noticed the push for extreme modesty for little girls, to such excess that the girls are punished with violence for not meeting the requirements, which appear to be just short of putting the little ones in a burka. All this under the guise of making sure the little girls don't tempt the boys, right? Does this mean that little boys are no longer responsible for their own temptations?
Dear Author,
When you set out to write this article, you knew you'd be steamrolled by your readers — and that is exactly what you've earned. It's unfortunately, because there are kernels of truth embedded in some of your sentences, but sadly, your exaggeratory and alarmist approach, along with the extremes that you are proposing women take to improve their appearances, will breed anger and not agreement. You've written an article that will NOT accomplish what you set out to accomplish.
The kernels you should have focused on?
It's important to feel good about oneself — REGARDLESS OF YOUR GENDER.
It's important to look after your health, eat well, and be active for fitness-sake — REGARDLESS OF GENDER.
It's important to have a healthy self-image, carry yourself with confidence, because even if you're faltering at some point, carrying yourself with the belief that you are good and can achieve great things is important — REGARDLESS OF GENDER.
What you don't focus on is that looks is NOT everything and that obsession with the external can set up both our SONS and DAUGHTERS for failure. After all, you wouldn't want your daughter (if you have one) to be so obsessive with her looks that she became anorexic, shallow, spent too much time preening and not enough time developing herself as a human being. Same goes for your precious son who is , as you say, so sought after. Do you really want him to be focusing on his dates' and future wife's looks THAT much? Looks are fading and external my dear — think TWICE ABOUT THE MESSAGE YOU ARE SENDING TO YOUR SON.
Lastly, as others have pointed out, your call for surgery is mind-boggling and appalling. A perfectly healthy 17-year old girl in my husband's community died this past year because of anesthesia complications during her nose-job surgery. Are you aware of the dangers?
I wish you'd de-post this article and put in its place an intelligent piece about the role of self-confidence in dating. I wish that you would focus on more than the external, and that your suggestions were practical and moderate. I wish that article were not targetted at any one gender, and most definitely not at the mothers of that gender. People "in shidduchim" are young adults with minds of their own. Please recognize that, respect that, and encourage that in your own community.
Thank you.
Yael
Bravo, Yael. Perfectly put.
well said!
I agree, so sad. I have a lot of thoughts on this subject. It is very hard to break out of our self imposed limitations and problems, but we call it a crisis!
Wow. I'm in shock. I totally agree, as my mother often says, that every woman is beautiful, she just doesn't know how to use what she has. But to make the objective for a girl to get married, is so sad. I have often remarked how girls think that the goal is marriage and they forget everything else that comes after that. I have heard mothers say, "Don't say anything till after you are married." Really? Let's trick your future husband? The objective is to find your best friend, the person that you are going to share olam haze and olam haba with. I am, for a lack of better word, appalled that you are encouraging plastic surgery because at least, she will be married. We live in a society and world where the outside, unfortunately, has become more important than the inside. Outside beauty is ephemeral. Though there are health reasons to get plastic surgery, I believe that getting plastic surgery is like telling Hashem that He made a mistake. He did not make you as pretty as He SHOULD have made you. Again, I agree that girls/women should look their best, lose weight, put make up and carry themselves like the princesses that they are. But to say that the "crisis" (I'm uncomfortable with that word) would be solved if all the girls subjected themselves to plastic surgery and the unfortunate pressure from the outside world to look a certain way…it saddens me. I'm sorry. Purim does not, at all, encourage this. On the contrary, Purim is about showing your inner self and not hiding behind the materialistic world that we have sadly accepted as real/emes…
great comment. that article was appalling.
Apalling and ridiculous
Great response raquel. What a stupid woman. Clearly her son the fancy Phd is obsessed with a girl who spends hours putting on makeup so she looks completely fake. I actually feel bad for him because he had such a superficial mother raising him to only care about how much time a girl spends putting on her makeup and how good she looks. So pathetic.
I think it is ironic and sad that most of these girls were looking for "learners". Presumably their potential future mother in laws have sons who are learning full time and would like to continue that. It is ironic because would kollel guys want a wife who is a plastic barbie? Isn't the life of someone that is learning full time supposed to be about the ruchniyut, not about the gashmiut? It has unfortunately become the opposite. The focus has become the outside. What is the person wearing, instead of what middos do they have. This article only further conveys that message…it is a sad reality.
“…would kollel guys want a wife who is a plastic barbie?”
Apparently, quite a few.