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August 29, 2014 / 3 Elul, 5774
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Posts Tagged ‘work’

Easing The Trauma Of Divorce

Thursday, November 15th, 2012

Dear Dr. Respler:

I am currently involved in a yearlong custody battle over my three children, who are all under the age of 10. I did not want or provoke this situation. My wife – with limited success – continues to enlist the children over to her side in her declared war on me. I, on the other hand, advise them that this fight is not their problem and that they should stay out of it. I tell them that they are totally innocent, and that they should honor and love both parents.

During my visitation time, I play with them, read to them, cook for them and do school work with them. In short, I do everything the children need, even those things that are traditionally done by mothers.

The children appreciate what I do for them. However, their mother is constantly trying to get them to see things her way. She tells them that they should help her get their visits with me curtailed because, in her words, “fathers don’t know how to take care of children,” and “mothers know how to better take care of children.”

What amazes me most is the percentage of people that share that line of thinking. Rabbis who are affiliated with batei din and marriage counselors who ought to know better have this underlying, forgiving attitude toward mothers – in spite of the children’s needs. Statements like “it is not right to take children away from a mother,” or “children need a mother,” or “children always go with the mother,” or the famous “mothers take better care of children” are commonly offered as so-called self-evident truths. This even applies to fathers who have always been thoroughly involved in their children’s development. Custody is only given to a father (very reluctantly) when there is absolutely no alternative. And when that happens, people see it as unfair.

I find that women almost blindly sympathize with the mother in these situations and are not interested in the facts. They immediately assume that the husband, the beis din, the courts and the lawyers are a bunch of clever villains while the poor mother and her lawyer are the victims.

I wonder if all these people know what divorcing mothers frequently do. They destroy the fathers’ image in the children’s eyes, in order for them to be totally dependant on the mother. They teach their children to lie to, and steal from, their father. They coach them into making false accusations against their father, saying, “The more bad things that you say about Tatty the better.” They inform the children of accusations made by the father against the mother in court and sometimes even show them court papers, in order to arouse their sympathy and sway them to their side.

In a nutshell, many mothers teach their children to betray their father.

My goal in writing this letter is to remind people that when they judge a divorce situation – which really should never be done – they need to consider the best interests of the children more than is sometimes done and to remember that there are no “self-evident truths” in divorce cases.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

I hear your pain and feel for you. While much of what you say is true, unfortunately, there are many fathers who play the same game and speak negatively about the mother of their children – to their children. No parent should use a child as a pawn in a divorce situation. To better the odds that a child from a divorced home will become more successful in future life endeavors, couples must work on keeping things amicable rather than stormy. The research of Wallerstein and Kelly makes this point very clear.

It is unfortunate that there are situations in which divorce is the only option. However, the process is incredibly painful for the children involved and parents must make every attempt to ensure that the children feel safe and secure – and that their needs are the priority for both parents.

In our practices, both Orit and I have seen the devastating effect of the trauma on children. For my part, I counsel parents on how to be more effective with their children in all situations. We work hard teaching parents how to imbue derech eretz in their children. Nonetheless, all these wonderful techniques are often ineffectual in a home filled with pain and strife.

Home Front Command Issues New Guidelines for Southern Communities

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

Home Front Command has issued defense guidelines to residents of the South. In communities between 0 and 4 miles from the Gaza Strip border: upon hearing sirens or an explosion, you must get into a protected space within the available period of time. Schools will be closed tomorrow. There is a temporary prohibition on public assembly. Do not try to reach work places for tasks that are not essential. Shopping centers are closed.

In communities that are within 4 and 25 miles from the Gaza Strip: upon hearing a siren or an explosion, you must get into a protected space in time. Schools will be closed in all municipalities. No public assembly of more than 100 in open and closed spaces (shows, events , soccer games, etc.). It is permitted to hold gatherings of fewer than 100 without restriction. No restriction on nonessential jobs, malls are open.

Israel Threatens to Cancel Oslo, Oust Abbas if He Guns for State at UN

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

If the UN accepts Palestine as a nonmember state, effectively recognizing its bid to become a state, Israel may cancel all or part of the Oslo accords according to reports, and may even go as far as working to oust Palestinian Authority president Mahmoud Abbas from his position.

The Foreign Ministry has instructed embassies to alert foreign leaders that an attempt to unilaterally declare a Palestinian state is a violation of Oslo, and to work with them to thwart a Palestinian statehood bid.  Nonetheless, Abbas has said he will attempt to get UN recognition for a Palestinian state, urging the UN General Assembly on November 29  - the anniversary of the UN Partition Plan and the UN’s International Day of Solidarity with the Palestinian People – to accept it as a nonmember state.

An overwhelming majority of the 193 member states are expected to agree.

A Palestinian nonmember state would not have a General Assembly vote, but would fall under the jurisdiction of the International Court of Justice, where it could bring cases against Israeli authority in Judea, Samaria, and Jerusalem.

Rumors are also circulating that a statehood bid would cause Israel to stop transferring tax money Israel collects for the PA to the organization, and to cancel permits which enable Palestinians to work inside “mainland” Israel.  According to a report by Channel 2, the Foreign Ministry is also weighing the possibility of assisting opposition to Abbas in investigating corruption allegations which would delegitimize him and cause him to lose popular support.

“The Palestinian resolution is a clear violation of the fundamental principle of negotiations,” Roni Leshno-Yaar, head of Israel’s foreign ministry division for international organizations, told Ha’aretz.

“The adoption of the resolution will give Israel the right to re-evaluate previous agreements with the PLO and consider canceling them partially or completely, and would make progress in the peace process more difficult in the future,” he added.

Environmental Protection Minister Gilad Erdan called for the immediate annexation of Jewish communities in Judea and Samaria as a response to the Palestinian statehood bid.

A report in Ha’aretz this morning suggests Foreign Minister Liberman is considering a draft document that would offer the Palestinians immediate recognition of statehood along temporary borders, as a type of “carrot” incentive for the Palestinians to drop their campaign at the United Nations.

Hashem’s Power

Friday, November 9th, 2012

On October 29th, the verdict was revealed
As we faced what was destined as the Din was sealed
With a storm that echoed the words we know to be true
of B’Rosh Hashanah Yikaseivu.

We saw the power of wind, the power of a rain
A power that some had mockingly thought to be inane
A power destined to show itself and let out its wrath
To destroy houses, alarm cities, and clear everything in its path.

It shook full-force upon the neighborhoods that experienced its fury
And left no family in vulnerable areas without question or worry
The sea reached the consumed towns, as though struck by His rod
Turning all of our established places left to nearly an esplanade.

It thundered and damaged without stoppage or yield
Leaving no stone unturned, not a crop in the field.
Through its insatiable storm, its rush and its wind
A work He had predestined and didn’t wish to rescind.

Many mocked its prediction, denied the truth
Of that which effected all from the elderly to the youth
We underestimated its severity, yet soon saw the waters
Upon our tunnels, our houses, our sons and our daughters.

Flooding our highways, flooding New York
Leaving mouths gaped in horror at the magnitude of its torque
It left all religions and races with respect and with awe
From experiencing something so mighty like the world has never saw.

‘Twas a work of only His hand, His might, His word
That shook up each person, each animal, each bird
Stabbing and damaging, as though a loose pack of knives
And taking along with it so many lives.

We saw a power so strong; a force that’s so vast
An overturning exertion poured upon us so fast
Something so unimaginative; something so odd
A clear indication of fury from the hand of G-d.

Yad Hashem – Shown With A Foot!

Friday, November 9th, 2012

The following story is 100% true, without embellishment or hyperbole. I can say this because I know each of the parties involved.

As the expression goes, “Hashem fir zich der velt” – Hashem orchestrates all the events that occur in the world. Most of what Hashem does is hidden from us. However, on occasion something happens in such an open way, one would have to be totally oblivious to the world around him to not see the powerful display of Yad of Hashem.

HE was going through a challenging time. He was in his 30s, recently divorced, had limited access to his children and was dealing with parnassah issues. In addition, his grandfather who had been his mentor, advocate, guardian angel and best friend, had passed away. He was existing, but not living; surviving, but not thriving. As days turned to weeks and weeks to months, he settled into a depression, simply going through the motions.

It was a beautiful July 4th day; the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. Perfectly perfect – until a freakish misstep propelled his entire body to the left, with the exception of his right foot, which buckled to the right. As he struggled to get up, his body crumbled to the ground, powerless to withstand his own weight. His initial reaction to his torn ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) was “Why me? Do I not have enough on my plate? Do I need this too”? Shortly thereafter he realized that it is not our place to question, but rather to accept that all He does is for our good.

Two months pass. It was just before Labor Day and he was enjoying the company of his children. Although still walking with a minor limp, he experienced a spark of true life for the first time in recent memory. The next day, however, the sounds of glee were replaced by the deafening sounds of silence; the unadulterated joy, replaced by an emotional hangover, as his children returned to their mother. Never before had he experienced such a deafening sound as this sound of silence.

SHE was a woman in her 30s, also living a life devoid of true meaning. She had faced challenges from infancy, but embraced her obstacles, never lamenting them. She was a friend to many, yet in essence was alone. She was eager to help a friend in need, yet her personal needs and requests appeared to go unanswered. She danced at the weddings of so many, yet each time the music stopped she lay alone with her thoughts. As the years began to pass her by, she wondered if she would ever find true happiness. Was it Hashem’s plan for her to live a life fraught with unfulfilled dreams?

Many a night she cried herself to sleep; reluctantly accepting her fate, as it appeared to be the will of Hashem. She tried to hold on to the proverbial ledge, even as she felt herself slowly losing her grip on life.

HE and SHE serendipitously crossed paths on one of the Jewish dating sites. They conversed for an hour via the computer as they both wondered if this would be yet another dead-end. Skeptically, he dialed her number as the clock struck midnight. With an accelerated heartbeat she answered her phone. They were both unaware that it was Yad Hashem orchestrating the telephone conversation. I suspect, however, they were somewhat wiser when they finally ended the conversation – 7 hours later!

The conversation transformed two floundering yechidim into a potential zivug – two wandering individual lost souls connected in a most spiritual and emotional manner. They exchanged their personal life’s journeys as time seemingly froze in abeyance. Their somewhat parallel, yet totally different journeys, had them geographically thousands of miles apart, but on that night they were brought together, all human barriers and obstacles falling to the wayside. Ironically, although originally physically separated by over 6,000 miles, they now found themselves residing but a mile apart. Actually, it wasn’t ironic, it was Yad Hashem at work, but they didn’t totally grasp the magnitude of that – at least not just yet.

They consented to meet the following evening, to explore the possibilities of where this budding friendship may potentially lead. As he was still recovering from his torn ACL, and self-conscious of his mild but somewhat conspicuous limp, he reminded her that tomorrow when they would meet, she would most likely notice a mild limp, but assured her that it wasn’t a physical impediment, as he was still recovering from him knee injury.

Anarchists & Palestinians Target Rami Levy Again

Friday, November 9th, 2012

Rami Levy, one of the symbols of peaceful Jewish-Arab coexistence was once again targeted by Palestinians and foreign leftwing activists.

The Tazpit News Agency reports that on Friday afternoon 30 Palestinians and foreign and Israeli anarchists protested and blocked the road in front of the Rami Levy supermarket, this time in Gush Etzion.

Security forces arrived and broke up the protest. One anarchist was arrested.

Rami Levy is a popular supermarket chain that employs both Arab and Jewish workers, and clients from both sectors shop there side by side.

 

Road To Recovery

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

Dear Brocha,

As I write this letter I am overcome with emotions. Relief, fear, trepidation, elation…the feelings are all jumbled up inside of me.

Please allow me to back track.

My daughter, who recently turned 20, just left to rehab. After four years of denial, lies, manipulation, anger and chaos she finally admitted she has a problem with alcohol.

Her drinking started at a school Shabbaton. Some of her so called friends brought liquor and they drank that Shabbos away. Since then she has been continuously sneaking drinks.

It took my husband and me a considerably long while to fully grasp the severity of the problem. Eventually, we finally emptied our house of all alcoholic drinks, informed the local liquor store that she should not be permitted to purchase any alcohol (evidently, there are various frum liquor store owners who will permit under age children to purchase alcohol if they say it’s for their parents, without any verification) and limited her access to money.

At that point, out of desperation, she figured out how to replace straight alcohol with mouthwash. What a nightmare! The mouthwash abuse was impossible to control! Additionally, it seems that it was much more damaging to her liver than regular alcohol. Recently, with Hashem’s help and the involvement of both a rav and an interventionist, she was able to admit that she had a real problem and to enter rehab.

While I am hopeful and happy that she is in a rehab, I need to know if you can advise me on how to deal with the phone calls. My daughter keeps calling and telling me how awful the food is, how she doesn’t like the other clients, feels restricted and various other complaints. Almost every time I see her phone number on the caller ID I start to cringe wondering what the issue is going to be.

By nature I am a very giving person. When she complains about the food, I try to send her home cooked meals. When she gets into arguments with her roommates I try speaking to her counselors about switching her room. The list goes on and on.

I am unsure if I am helping or hurting when I try interceding on her behalf. I am hearing terms like co-dependent and enabler and am very confused. At what point does helping become unhealthy?

This has become a major point of contention between my husband and me. He is more of a disciplinarian and feels that I need to take a tougher stance with our daughter.

Please advise.

A Giving Mom

Dear A Giving Mom,

Congratulations!

You should be very happy that your daughter is finally on the road to her recovery! She still has a long and difficult road ahead of her. She will need to learn more about herself and retrain her self-perception. She needs to learn how to be real with her emotions and to be in control of them and not vice-versa. She needs to learn how to live, laugh and appreciate life again.

Most people enter the rooms of recovery kicking and screaming. They are usually upset that they “were caught” or “trapped” and now have to learn how to live sober.

It is hard work. Very hard work!

There is shame, guilt and various other forms of emotional pain they now have to learn to deal with as opposed to numbing themselves.

On the other hand, you should be using the time your daughter is in rehab to learn more about yourself.

For the past few years your daughter’s issues have been the sole focus of everything. If there are other children at home you should be spending considerably more time with them.

Additionally, you mentioned the terms co-dependent and enabler. The truth is that many loved ones who live with addicts inadvertently assume that role.

The addict becomes the drug.

Our “high” comes when there are no incidents and they appear to be doing well. Then, when they fall, we fall with them.

Your job is to learn how to live in peace and serenity, independent of the addict. You should be looking for Al-Anon meetings in your area. Your entire immediate family needs to find recovery.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/battling-addictions/road-to-recovery-6/2012/11/08/

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